On my own journey of self-discovery, I have recognised that I have a side of me which is rational, and understands that patience is a virtue. Events out of my control will always happen. I can’t control what happens outside of me.
I have a fear of being disliked. Even if I don’t know that person well at all, I am uncomfortably aware of the fact that they don’t like me, and I want to change that. I want everybody to like me because I like to think that I am always trying to do the right thing. Even if I know that right now, I could be working hard on improving myself, or that I should be doing the most urgent task immediately, I also believe that I should do what else feels right at that moment- what feels morally right. So in a work situation, I want to deal with the main problem- the general overall picture. I want to get to focus point. No chit-chat. Straight to the chase.
Sometimes I’m that chit-chat person. I’m bubbly. I’m a magnet to thoughtful discussion. I want to be friends with someone. I want to have a great interaction with someone, or I’m fully immersed in the environment. I focus on the person. I listen to their situation, I want them to be happy.
Even if that thing is bad, even if I have made a mistake, I want to know how I can fix it right now. Even if it’s too late to restore something good before it goes, I want it to become a lesson that I learn from. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I don’t want to run away from my problems anymore. I want to face them, head on and move forward.
I suppose Alison is a reflection of what Depression does- it manipulates you into thinking that there is something wrong with you, and you cause things to go wrong. In the office, Andie can anticipate something will go wrong, because she’s used to Alison turning up frequently in her life, which is the onset of her Depression.
I was inspired by this quote: “Understanding the ways in which your depression affects you, physically, emotionally and mentally is the first step to overcoming it and using it to your advantage.” That’s not to say you’ll never be depressed again, but it’ll help you create strategies to overcome a depressive episode when you feel one coming.” – from ‘The Depression Advantage’, by Tom Wootton.
Wootton, T. (2007). The Depression Advantage. 1st ed. Bipolar Advantage Publishing.